Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
water it, i dare you
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage