Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.