Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed