Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Love it! 👍😂
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
🤣😂🤣
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.