I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I only say stupid things when I talk.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.