Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.