I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab