It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
the council will decide your fate