I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
the Monday after daylight savings
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?