DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I just ran a .003048K
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my dad when a sex scene comes on