I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
thanks auntie mary
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer