I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world