Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Received some very disappointing news today
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE