Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
United Steaks of America
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉