The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You have been warned.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO