[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.