Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great