My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Does beer think about me too?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain