my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I get distracted pretty eas
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave