Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
🤣
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.