I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Essential viewing in these troubled times.