scrabbled eggs
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!