When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.