Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂