I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah