No selfies while hijacking a train.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.