he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Flock of bats
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Wednesday
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman