this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea