Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training