Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
This anagram machine is out of order.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I鈥檓 good.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: It鈥檚 hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino鈥檚 Delivery: Listen lady I鈥檝e only been late one time.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You鈥檙e not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we鈥檇 be in hell.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.