I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I’m crying im so happy for them
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.