My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.