I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[montage of me giving-up]
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”