Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.