[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
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Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
knights of the ikea table
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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