This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….