Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes