I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move