If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.