Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.