Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
best review i’ve ever seen
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not