I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!