Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Flowers bee like
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”