When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.