Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
You have been warned.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.