Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I feel it
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
just pretend nothing happened
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.