“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
This guy’s not having it 😆
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)