No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
You Might Also Like
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
HOW DARE YOU
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?