You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me
Can’t stop laughing
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!