I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls